is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
