I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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