There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
