If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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