we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
