I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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