If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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