I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
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