Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
