i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
