I accidentally burped into my bong.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
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