I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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