I just saw a hot homeless man
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Randomize