# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
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