So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I checked into jail on foursquare
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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