at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
