Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
