god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
