I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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