I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
