i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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