i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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