I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Quick, to the slutcave!
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
