You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
