i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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