I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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