So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
