I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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