So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Randomize
