forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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