Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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