Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Everyone says I win the strip club
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
