If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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