I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Oh god it's open bar.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
