my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
