Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
