see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
