Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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