I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
