how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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