Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
