I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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