Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I will pee on everything he values.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize