my phone needs a breathalizer
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
