i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize