i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
