Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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