Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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