somebody snuck up and got me drunk
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
