It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize