Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I think a kid would responsible me up
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
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