my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
