he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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