I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
