There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
