I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Randomize
