shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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