Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Randomize
