You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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