I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
