i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
