so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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