i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
