The best revenge is premature balding
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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